i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
