i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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