Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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