I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
