rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
