I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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