I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
