My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
