You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
