God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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