I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I pour the whiskey from now on
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
