MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
