I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
