I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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