I haven't been this sober since birth.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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