My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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