My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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