I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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