capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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