when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
