I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
