theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
