I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
