Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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