Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
