I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
