found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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