The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
