WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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