I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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