Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
