Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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