I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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