Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
