but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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