Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
