My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
please come you make the beer taste better
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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