He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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