My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
