JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
