I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
