i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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