if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Randomize
