Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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