Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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