We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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