How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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