Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
