I smell stomach acid.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
