I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
