____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
